A New Beginning

So it has begun, my blog is back and it has found a new home. I have been wondering what I want to blog about and what relevance I can bring to the world wide web. My struggle for blogging has always been finding the balance of authenticity and sensitivity. How much do I share? I think that I will have to listen to my heart on this. I have not reflected and wrote my thoughts in some time and it has taken its toll on me. The need for introspection is so important and I have not had the space to do so. My thoughts have been confined in my head, which is the similar state of my physical being, the lack of space has taken its toll on me.

There is much that has impacted me and I try to grapple with how I should manage and be but life is not as black and white as I thought. Well, I have always known that life is not black and white but it is gray, however the complexities in the shades of gray are overwhelming. I have always operated on the desires of my heart and have always taken the time to reflect on what is good for me, but now I am in a space where I cannot just think of me and it has been a hard adjustment. I think that is why it has been hard to blog, my thoughts and feelings are mine but they have consequences that go beyond me. Nobody explained the magnitude of this, that you feel a sense of loss of one's self when you take the next step in life.

However, it is important to not lose myself and reclaim the responsibility of my own happiness. Being a woman, that to an "Indian" woman means at times one must sacrifice one's self to provide for the family but I am not built in that way. This does not mean that I do not care or that I do not love those around me, but it is not my sole responsibility to care or to sacrifice for all, the burden of responsibility, love, and life should not fall on me. So I have decided to reclaim myself and to be authentic to who I am. This might seem disrespectful to many but for me, it is necessary. It is what I need to live, breathe, and survive. I must be authentic to who I am because I am no one else but me. If who I am is unacceptable to others, may I suggest the door? Or perhaps, living one's own life without demanding me to live by your standard? Either way is fine, whichever you can handle.

You see, this is a new beginning. When you deal with death, you reevaluate your existence. When you deal with death of someone young, you realize the importance of your own life and the short amount of time you have on this earth. I am not here to please others, I am here to be a good person and to live to the expectations that God and I have made for me. There are only a few other opinions I take to heart and those opinions come without judgement, bias, and conditions. In the end, the decisions I make in life are my decisions. I am not here to be a child and live to be told what to do. I want to grow and make my decisions and learn from my mistakes. It is who I know I have always been. Being an independent, out-spoken woman is frowned upon by society so often, and to those nay-sayers I say "Kindly f-off". I am a force to be reckon with, I feel from heart, from my toes to the tip of my head, I am me and no one else. Here's to...not new beginnings but the reminder of who I am and the right to be me.