Those desires are real.

There are moments that I feel overcome with feelings of what I want in life and it drowns me, pulling me to the bottom and leaving me gasping for air. I want so much in this life and I keep thinking, "Next time, I will do it this way" but what if I get to a point where there is no next time and it's too late? What if I keep putting things off to only regret my lack of decisions or passing up on opportunities? I always thought I knew myself but it seems that I have been lying to myself, I have these very strong wishes and dreams and that I have been telling myself that I did not.

The last few weeks, my facade has come crashing down and more than anything I realized that I want these dreams and wishes, more than anything. I realized that my want for it was deeper than I realized. I more than anything...want to be mother. I would always tell myself, "It's too soon" or "It's too scary" but you know what? I would be a freakin awesome mom and I want that opportunity. I don't care if I carry them or if I adopt them, I want those children and I want to love. I want to experience that divine feeling of unconditional love for another being. I want to put them first and see a little human grow and learn.

Death is insane, it really breaks you down and cuts you to the rawest. The passing of my sister-in-law has left me feeling empty, more than I realized. It has unearthed feelings that I have buried deep and no longer want to suppress. She gave every ounce of her being to those around and more importantly to her daughter. When she looked at that sweet little girl, I saw what it meant to be a mother, what it meant to love knowing that your time was limited, knowing that even when you felt the worst pain of your life looking at that little face gave you life. I wish she was there so I could tell her, "I want to experience that". I wish she was here so I could tell her that I am scared and that I don't know if it will ever happen. I wish she was here so she could wipe these tears and tell me that it will happen. I wish she was here so I could tell her how confused I felt about life and how lost I feel. I wish she was here so I could tell her that she was and is an amazing mother. I miss her.

My heart it broken and my soul feels lost, but she lived life with conviction. Even in the darkest of times, she saw light. I haven't experienced an eighth of what she has and I am overwhelmed. I have my life and my body but I feel that I have lost my being. She lost her body and her life but never her being. How does one live when they have life? How does one be when they feel lost? The feels are real.