Deflection of the truth.

an·ger

ˈaNGɡər/

noun

1. a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

This is the definition lifted off of Google. Anger - a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. This emotion is an emotion many believe is a sign of power and control but is it? What does anger do for us? What does it do for me? Anger is such an easy emotion for me to feel and hold on to. For many months, anger has been the dominant emotion in my mind and for so long I thought it was showing how strong I was when in reality it has been my coping mechanism to avoid and protect me from my own emotions of vulnerability and pain.

Self preservation is a human instinct, when we hear a loud noise we immediately cover our ears, when someone yells our body reacts. Anger is a reactionary emotion for me, when I feel hurt I turn to anger to mask the pain. Slowly, over time, that pain has been leaking out and leaving me feeling off-balance, and without any grounding I have been unable to process that pain. I have been using bandaids to stop the leak and those bandaids have been my anger. I am reaching my capacity to stop myself from feeling the pain that I have been internalizing for a couple years. I feel that I am barely holding myself together by a single thread but that thread is fraying and I can see it about to break.

I was remind of my college days when trying to decipher my anger - specifically the 5 stages of grief, which have to do with an individual’s own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. However there are losses that are intangible that also cause us to feel these different stages, either one at a time or simultaneously. Anger is the one, in my opinion, that is the most intense and is used to deflect vulnerability. I know that I must release the anger I feel to make room for the hidden emotions and allow myself to be present in them. This is a terrifying and scary thought for me, I do not know what emotions will be unearthed and I don't know how I will fare from this process. Anger is easier to control - well, the irony is that it is not easy to control but what it is...it is cathartic, it is a quick fix to mitigate the pain that has been bearing down on my heart and mind. The pain that feels debilitating when it leaks from those little holes that are becoming bigger and bigger.

Anger is like a drug, it gives me a quick fix, or a high, since it is an intense release and it feels as if it numbs me mind. There is a reason they call it "Blind Rage" - I have a tendency to blackout when I am engulfed with anger - which becomes rage - and it is consumes me. I can feel nothing but this internal force that really makes me lose control. By losing control I am in control of not feeling the deeper issues; the twisted logic of my emotions. I have been allowing my anger to be my coping mechanism (along with binge watching tv shows that have at least 3 seasons online). I know that I must release this anger and I know that my coping mechanism needs to be facing the truth and processing those true feelings. I have to allow myself to be present in the pain that is I have been burying deep in me - well, let's be real...it's not that deep, it's visible to all. I guess I am in denial that I am in pain, ha! The inception of the stages within the stages!

Anger is necessary for my immediate survival but it is absolutely debilitating for my growth.