Reflections

2016 has come to an end and 2017 has begun. For me, 2016 started with death and really the year was filled with literal and metaphorical deaths. But as I struggle to believe, with death comes rebirth. I sit here and reflect and try to grasp what has been reborn in my life? What have I learned and how have I grown? With each passing day in 2016, I felt further and further from my myself and who I was, I felt lost and unable to find stable ground to stand on. A huge sense of loss, but not from the deaths - though those were heartbreaking and have left me feeling heartbroken - rather from my sense of self.

The truth is, marriage is hard and no one really talks about it. We all sugar coat it and tell future generations that marriage is the answer to success and happiness. It's not - that doesn't mean one should not get married. It means that success and happiness should be tied to who you are an individual person. Marriage requires work, it requires patience, love, trust, and communication. There is a sense of loss in marriage, the feeling that you lose your individuality. It feels as if the people around you treat you like a joint unit - as if you have lost the ability to make decisions on your own. I wish someone had sat me down prior to marriage, prior to my romanticizing of marriage, and said that it takes work, it takes communication, and it takes patience. That compromise isn't a loss of self, but a deep understanding of the self. That compromise is held with such horrible regards but it is necessary - because in order to truly compromise, you must communicate your needs, wants, and desires. In order to do so, you must know yourself. Hence why, compromise is a deep understanding of the self.

My loss of self made me lose the ability to compromise and has made me angry and has made me feel unbalance. That isn't to say that I am NOT justified in my anger, I believe I am. I am hurting and I am upset. However, anger manifest and it is important to release that anger and the only way that I know how to is to write and reflect. I do so in a public way because I want to be transparent and I want to be heard and I believe that many feel this way and we do not talk enough about how we feel and the hardships we face. It is easy to put on a facade and allow the world to see us in a specific way. We place so much shame on struggle and hardship, when it is in the hardest moments that humans shine the brightest. Our view on mental health is pathetic and it does not allow for us to be honest and open - to really be authentic to our true self.

2016 was a year of loss, but it was also a year of rebirth. Where I began to take action and find stable grounds to stand on. I am prioritizing myself so that I can learn to communicate and to maintain patience, this way I can reconnect with my self and be a better person in this world. Anger is necessary for human nature, but it is necessary to pair that anger with reflection. I felt a lot of pain that manifested into anger but I hope that I can channel that anger into something more productive. 2017, just like 2016, will be a year of growth. Yes it is a new year but let's be real, each day is a new day and each day is a new - no, not new - growing me. Don't be fooled by the 7, I am still me, learning and growing, getting closer and closer to my authentic self.